How to Top: A Comprehensive Guide to Gay Sex

how to top (7)

The anus is a sensitive and delicate orifice. It’s made from soft delicate skin and a million nerve endings that can produce amazing pleasure. On the inverse, it can also create excruciating pain if not handled with the utmost care and attention. 

If you’re lucky enough to find a man who trusts you enough to let you stick your penis in his butt, he deserves to be treated like you’re concerned about his pleasure as well as yours. Don’t just ram into him, unless that’s what you discussed in advance. Instead, talk to him about what he likes and find out how you can please each other

In most cases, the top is the dominant partner and controls everything from the positions to the speed to location. This is not, however, always the case. Sometimes the bottom can be the dominant partner and dictate what the top does. In either case, it’s important that both men have an opportunity to talk before sex, during sex and after sex. Openly communicating will help each partner get the maximum pleasure from the sexual activity.

So, how do you top? There is a certain level of finesse and a number of techniques beyond just sticking your penis into his anus that makes one a good top. Topping takes strategy, a way to execute that plan, and a lot of patience. The strategy I’m referring to is the bottom’s pleasure. A good top knows that focusing on their partner’s desires can reap pleasurable rewards for both people.

This article on male anal sex has plenty of tips to sharpen your techniques. But being good in bed isn’t only about what you can do to him; it’s about where you can take him. While you can’t “learn” passion, you can learn how to set the stage to express it in your own unique way.

The Basics of How to Top

It’s amazing that there are so many tops who never or rarely bottom. It’s time to put aside your fears and take it up the rear to learn what it feels like. Doing this will help you take your top game to the next level. You’ll understand first hand what you can do to make the bottom feel amazing.

Understand How the Anus Works


Many guys envision the butt as a tight, squishy chute — an organic masturbation sleeve. But the ass is more of a tight, squishy chamber with dimensions and curvatures that vary slightly from man to man. There is a definite curve to it, and the first chamber leads to another chamber, which leads to the small intestine.

You probably know about the prostate. It’s a walnut-sized gland located inside the rectum. The diagram shows that it is about 2 or 3 inches in and toward the stomach. Notice that there is flesh between the rectum and the prostate. The thickness of this flesh is different in all men This means the amount of pressure required to stimulate it is also different. When a man gets an erection the prostate actually tilts forward toward the rectum. This tilting makes a larger and more sensitive area of the prostate accessible through the rectum.

A super top may take his time to stimulate the prostate. This will help the bottom get relaxed and warmed up for anal penetration. The prostate is the second most pleasurable erogenous zone on a man’s body. Massaging it can produce orgasms that are similar to penile orgasms, only way more intense and felt through the entire body. There are reports of people having super orgasms, which are a stream of fast, continuous orgasms that cause the body to shudder. 

There is a bladder down there that you cannot ignore — feeling the need to urinate halfway through sex is very common — and there is a very strong muscle called the anal sphincter, a circular muscle at the base of the colon (the “hole”) that clenches tight for most of our lives and opens and relaxes when we poop and when we take a dick.

The anal sphincter is one of the strongest muscles in the human body, and it will present the biggest challenge for new bottoms, as learning to relax this muscle on command takes practice.

There is a lot down there, and a good lesson about how it all works, along with a general primer on how the body processes food and what triggers the digestion process, will help you navigate it better. Updating your mental list of bowel movement stimulants — drugs, coffee, the act of eating — will keep you aware of butt mechanics. Knowing where your dick is going is important.

The guy you are fucking is more aware of all this stuff than you are, because it’s his body, and he has probably cleaned out beforehand and has a clock running in his head of how long it will be before he might have to clean again.

Get on his level. Learn some anatomy about how to top.

Alternate Speed, Depth & Thrusting

Many tops simply don’t know how to fuck. They think sex is about sticking their dicks in and pounding like a machine. Unless the guy you are fucking is looking for that kind of sex, he will probably tell you to slow down or stop. The guy in this video shows you how to use your hips to thrust with rhythm.

The sphincter’s natural state is being closed tight, which means you have to go slow at first while he gets used to it. Once he relaxes and gets comfortable and starts to enjoy your cock, only then you can get a little rougher.

As with fisting, the best way to help a guy’s ass relax is with a gentle, steady, in-and-out rhythm. He will tell you how slow to go, and you will know when you can speed up — his body will relax and his hole will automatically open. When this happens, that doesn’t mean you can immediately start pounding, but it does mean that you can add in a few harder, faster thrusts between slower, gentler ones and see how he responds to them.

If you’re doing doggy-style and he likes it and starts backing up into you, you can increase your speed. If you’re doing missionary-style and he nods or pulls his legs back or grabs your hips or your back and pulls you into him, you’re good to go.

Overcome Hygiene Worries

I don’t particularly like the word “dirty” to imply the presence of shit, which is something the ass naturally produces and not something to be feared. “Dirty” implies shame, and there’s nothing shameful about the way the body functions. 

This being said, do not tell your bottom to clean out well. Saying that will only add to his nervousness about being clean. Unless he has expressed that he’s into shit, it is generally assumed that he will have to clean before you guys play — unless he is one of those mystifying and magical bottoms who knows when his ass is simply ready to go, no cleaning required.

Good bottoms — as well as good tops — gradually learn to lose this fear. Yes, you can clean your ass thoroughly before play, but remember that the body is the body and there is going to be some poop in there.

Take Your Time With Condoms

Sex with condoms is less comfortable than barebacking. For many bottoms, it is harder to get fucked as long or as hard with a condom as without one. This being said, diligent condom use is unquestionably a safer sex practice. PrEP only prevents HIV transmission, and rates of other STIs are skyrocketing among gay men. If anyone shames you for using condoms, they’re an idiot. One’s sex practices are a personal decision, and no one should pressure you to do something you do not want to do.

But when the condom starts to wear and your bottom needs a break — either to replenish lube or change the condom — do not get frustrated.

Size Anxiety

Experienced bottoms will tell you that a top with less endowment who knows how to work it is way better than a well-endowed top who does not.

The best lays of my life were with guys who weren’t massive but knew how to use what they had. They had confidence and charisma, and they loved being in my butt. Confidence and charisma will take you far — these characteristics are sexier than perhaps any other. The lesson I’ve learned from these tops as I have begun my own journey into topping is this: ask him what he like and combine that with what you like and you can have a real party.

Rim Job

Rimming, also known as analingus, is the act of orally pleasuring the anus. This can involve licking, sucking, kissing, and any other pleasurable act that involves oral-to-anal contact. Most men I know prefer a freshly landscaped ass and here’s why:

All the feels. Clearing the area opens the way for all the sensation. The less there is between the rimmie’s butt and the rimmer’s tongue, the more intense the stimulation.

Cleanliness. It’s not that you can’t get a good clean if there’s hair around your anus, but not having any certainly makes it easier. Bits of toilet paper, towel fluff, and even poo can stick to hairs.

One less hang-up. Worrying about how your anus looks or whether or not it’s going to be a turnoff for your partner can hinder your enjoyment. If it’s one of your hang-ups, getting rid of it can help you relax and enjoy the experience.

What to Do With Your Tongue

Start off slow and work your way to the money spot instead of going in for the kill right away.

Soft, light licks and kisses of the inner thighs and perineum are a great start and sure to get them primed for action.

When you’re ready to move to the anus, you can’t go wrong by using your tongue much in the same manner you would to lick an ice cream cone.

Here are some tips:

  • Use long, slow licks with your tongue flat against your partner’s anus.
  • Experiment with your tongue, alternating between stiffening and relaxing it.
  • Try different directions, such as up and down and side to side.
  • Point your tongue and push it against their anus, using enough pressure to gently penetrate.

What to Do with Your Teeth

Aside from some tiny nibbles on the cheek, most people would prefer you refrain from having your teeth come into direct contact with their butt.

Here’s what to do:

  • Make sure they’re open to a little toothy action — communication and consent are a must!
  • Run your front teeth lightly along the backs of their thighs and cheeks, barely grazing the skin.
  • Try light, gentle nibbles, sticking to the butt cheeks where there’s enough flesh to take it.

Keep an Eye Out for Problems

No matter how much you’re enjoying it, it is your duty and responsibility as a good top to pull out on occasion and check for problems. Even if he is not showing any signs of pain, there can be blood on your dick, which can mean a minor or serious problem.

This is true especially if you’re pretty big. He might be in ecstasy, but he could be cut and bleeding on the inside. There is a point inside the anus at which there are no nerve endings, meaning someone can get injured past this point and not know it.

Try Different Positions

I have had unfortunate sex with tops who only enjoy one position and one position only. They only do doggy-style or missionary. Enjoying only one position will make your sex dull for both (or all) parties, and there is always the risk that the one position you like is one your bottom does not.

There are dozens of positions that are worth trying out. The best lays of my life have involved a variety of them. When you involve sex furniture and bondage furniture — slings, fuck tables, Saint Andrew’s crosses, etc. — an even greater number of positions become available. Get experimental and remember there are countless ways to put your dick in his butt.

Use Anal Toys

I know a few tops who do not like toys because they worry their guys will enjoy toys more than sex. This is pretty silly; nothing quite replaces a cock, but toys can deliver a lot of different sensations that a dick simply cannot, and just as you can enjoy many different kinds of food, you can also enjoy many different sensations without preferring one over the rest.

A lot of fun can be had from sticking toys — plugs, dildos, balls, and other objects — in his butt. Watch his ass stretch around it, challenge him, coach him through it, tell him he’s doing a good job, and train his ass with him. Reward him when he takes it like a champ (kiss his hole, give him a quick lick). Allow toy play to become an awesome and intensely erotic part of your sex.

Communicate

Communicate with him, tell him what you like, and ask him what he likes. It is OK and actually quite necessary to do so. Talk to him about his body and let him know what feels good. If he’s doing something you like, tell him so. We can only learn about each other sexually through a small variety of communication methods. Talking is our most basic communication tool, and in such an intense activity as butt sex, communication is vital.

Clip Your Fingernails

As foreplay, many tops like to warm up a guy’s butt and stretch him out with fingers. I cannot stress this enough: file your fingernails down. Forgetting to do so is inconsiderate and kind of irresponsible, since sharp fingernails can irritate and even tear the anal lining.

I’ve hooked up with guys who I even told beforehand that I like fingering, and when I got there, they hadn’t filed down their nails. Their surprise at me telling them to stop shows they have not thought things through, or perhaps they are not very experienced with gay sex in general, and my arousal diminishes.

If you want to use several fingers in his hole or finger him for a short length of time — or if you have fisting aspirations in your future — you should invest in gloves. I recommend buying nonlatex nitrile gloves, since you never know if the guy you invite to your apartment has a latex allergy.

It’s Okay To Say No

If you simply hate topping, don’t top. This might mean turning down sex with sexy people, but if it isn’t something you enjoy, you cannot change that. There is no pressure in sex and never should be.  

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6 thoughts on “How to Top: A Comprehensive Guide to Gay Sex

  1. MARK S says:

    What’s with the no douching? The two nelly guys said something about ones doctor said it is bad for you. Proper cleaning before sex is a very good practice. Having a shitty ass is no fun for any one. I am a top who has bottomed more than once so I know how it feels when a guy is not empty and I have not emptied my self. Please guys follow your Doctor if he or she tells you not to douche, but get a second opinion to be sure.
    PS: The nelly guys are cute if you like boys. Could you find a little more masculine spoke MEN.

  2. OMAR says:

    I love to top but I just can’t keep it hard using a condom so I just bottom instead.. but I don’t like it cuz it hurts

    • Ragnar Vigortensen says:

      I’m the same way, but I do love to bottom. For the right top. Try riding him, you control the depth, and speed, you can accommodate him at your pace. Once you can ride him without any worries, then switch, tell him to take it slow at first.

  3. Gonzalo says:

    First Video Basics of Topping: Twink needs to be more masculine … to bitchy … sissy … seem and acted slutted… IMMATURE

    Second video. The character is about toping was a JOKE. Good to try humor but not ignorant and stupidity.

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